


Who Is Your Akatsuki Boyfriend? (And Other Stories)

by theadventuresof



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M, yes i just used the crack tag in 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 05:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theadventuresof/pseuds/theadventuresof
Summary: “Who is Your Akatsuki Boyfriend,” Kisame said, his eyebrows furrowing so hard they resembled blue caterpillars. “By sharinganluvr94. What the hell is this.”
Comments: 12
Kudos: 106





	Who Is Your Akatsuki Boyfriend? (And Other Stories)

**Author's Note:**

> my take on the whole “akatsuki all live together and get up to stupid shenanigans” concept, 2019 version. and a tribute to early 2000s fandom of sorts. rip quizilla u will never be forgotten

“For the hundredth time, this cannot be a good idea.”

“It’s all good. I’ve snuck on here tons of times to play minesweeper, hmm.” 

On the third floor of the cavernous Akatsuki lair, two rooms down from the omelette bar and directly across from Zetsu’s walk-in fridge, was Pain’s private computer room. Inside, Kisame Hoshigaki, monster of the Hidden Mist, wielder of the legendary blade Samehada, fidgeted uncomfortably in Pain’s rolling desk chair. “That does _ not _ make it a good idea.”

“Oh, come on! You said you were curious, right?” said Deidara around a large wad of pink bubblegum. “This is your chance, hmm. You heard the way he was blowing his nose this morning. He’s not getting out of bed for a while. Now go ahead already, yeah?”

Kisame raised one eyebrow. “It’s that easy to get into Leader-sama’s computer?”

“Well, sure,” Deidara said. “His password is just ‘Akatsuki2.’”

Kisame began to type. “With a capital A?”

“Yeah,” Deidara said.

“Why in the world is it all in English?” Kisame said, pressing enter.

“Maybe this is just one of those things, hmm,” Deidara said, and stuck his gum behind his ear.

He was right. Pain wasn’t even supposed to have a computer in the first place, let alone one with an English keyboard. But odd things tended to happen to the Akatsuki during the organization’s infrequent downtime. Once Pain made them all go to the beach together because he thought it would grant them infinite power. Kisame accidentally got stuck to Might Guy for an entire day. Itachi bought himself a reversible weasel costume, as seen on TV. And no one would soon forget the time Hidan got his dick caught in the ceiling fan.

Slowly, Pain’s desktop loaded. It was an old picture of Pain and Konan—minus the piercings—with a third red-haired person that neither Kisame or Deidara recognized.

“Intriguing,” Kisame said. Rain drummed against the window.

“I put minesweeper right in the taskbar,” Deidara said, pointing. “He hasn’t even noticed yet. He’s not too great with technology, hmm.”

“When was the last time he checked his email?” Kisame said, opening up Netscape with a frown. “He’s got over seven hundred messages.”

“Oh, those have always been there,” Deidara said offhandedly. “Most of ‘em are spam. Sometimes I sign him up for magazine subscriptions, hmm. I got free lotion in the mail once.”

“Some of this looks important, though,” Kisame said, scrolling through a long thread of increasingly snippy emails all signed by someone named “M.” The computer began to whine. 

“What’s that?” said Deidara. 

“Something’s taking up a ton of space,” Kisame said. He opened up the computer directory, revealing a folder full of what looked like large audio files with decidedly cryptic titles.

“Hmm,” said Deidara. “I’ve never actually looked this close at Leader-sama’s stuff before. I wonder what he’s got on here.”

“What’s ‘karaoke.wav?’” Kisame said suddenly. He pressed play. Immediately, Pain’s booming voice began to echo directly through their minds.

_ Greetings, Akatsuki members, _ it said. Deidara screeched and slammed his hand into the spacebar to pause the damn thing. 

“Wait!” Kisame said. “I want to hear it.” He restarted the audio. 

_ Greetings, Akatsuki members. Our next monthly organization-wide bonding activity is coming up on Friday, June 13th, at 7 pm, so please mark your calendars. The theme is karaoke night. Please have a song prepared. You may perform in pairs if you wish. Also, as a reminder, next month’s activity will be spa night. Nail polish will be supplied. Further details will be added at a later date. Thank you for your continued cooperation. _

A large thunderclap made both Kisame and Deidara jump out of their seats. “Who the hell’s on my computer?” came Pain’s muffled hoarse voice from the attic. Outside, the rain picked up slightly.

“Nobody, Leader-sama,” Kisame called up to him, recovering quickly. “Your fever must be making you hallucinate. Go back to sleep.”

“I had no idea those things were pre-recorded,” Deidara mused, scrolling through the list of audio files. His face lit up into a rather evil smile. “Wanna record something and send it out to everybody, hmm?”

“Let’s not do that,” Kisame said immediately, closing the window. 

“Just imagine it,” said Deidara. “What’s up, sluts. Thank you for tuning into Deidara’s loveshack hotline. Bow-chicka-wow-wow, and all that, hmm.”

Kisame began to grin. “Speaking of the loveshack,” he said. “You know what could be _ very _ interesting?” 

“What?” Deidara said.

“Leader-sama’s search history.”

Deidara’s face brightened. “Now _ that’s _ a good idea,” he said.

Nothing particularly exciting turned up on the first page of results, which was full of things like _ indigo daydream nail polish bulk order ebay _ and _ how to remove bloodstains from shag carpet diy _ , as well as something cryptically entitled _ Welcome to my Twisted Mind. _

“He has a _ blog?” _ Kisame burst out. 

_Today while perusing the web, _read the first entry, _I found out about the phenomenon known as “kinning.”_ _I was reasonably skeptical at first. But I must say, whoever this Light Yagami chap is, he’s got the right idea… _

Read the next: 

_ I want to start doing a member of the month competition to boost morale, but I would literally rather staple my forehead to the desk than award it to anyone except for Konan obviously, and that would just be redundant… _

“Wait, I think he’s talking about us in this next one,” Deidara said, pointing further down the screen. Kisame clicked on the entry at once.

_ The newest members are, frankly, a pain in the ass. Today I found out that Kakuzu has been going behind my back for the past few weeks and making all the other members send me copies of their resumes and previous work experience. I only found out about this at all because out of all the people Kakuzu talked to, Itachi (bless him) actually mailed his in, while he was abroad in Takigakure, no less. And then when I confronted Kakuzu about it, he refused to apologize. I told him that there was no point to the whole thing since we already hired Itachi eons ago, not to mention he’s about as infamous as you can get, but he’s making me go through all the paperwork anyway so that there’s documentation of it in the organization’s records, because that way we might qualify for a tax deduction, or something. _ <strike> _ I hate my job. _ </strike>

_ On a brighter note, I’m going to destroy everyone in karaoke next month. _

“I had wondered about that, hmm,” Deidara said. 

“Okay,” Kisame said. “But have you seen Itachi’s resume? He was a barista for a while. I had no idea until last month.”

Deidara sputtered for a few seconds. _ “Seriously?” _

Kisame chuckled. “You sound like Hidan.”

“I can’t imagine what Hidan’s resume looks like.”

“Me either.”

They pondered this for several seconds, but after realizing they were unable to decide whether Hidan’s hypothetical resume would be written in blood or crayon, they moved on to other endeavors.

“Hey—look up ‘Akatsuki’ and see what comes up,” Deidara said. “Maybe we’re famous on the internet too, hmm.” 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, there was a myriad of information waiting for them. Kisame’s eyebrows shot up towards his forehead protector as the page loaded.

“Akatsuki wallpapers, Akatsuki wiki, Akatsuki fanfiction—Akatsuki _ rings?” _ Deidara said, incredulous. “You can just _ buy _ that shit? Next time I lose my ring I’m totally gonna just buy one on here instead of reporting it—oh my god,” he finished, grabbing Kisame’s shoulder rather harder than was necessary—which was no laughing matter because of his mouth-hands. Kisame yelped. 

“What is it?”

Deidara jabbed one shaking finger at the screen.

“_ Who is Your Akatsuki Boyfriend,” _ Kisame said, his eyebrows furrowing so hard they resembled blue caterpillars. “By sharinganluvr94. What the _ hell _ is this.” 

“I dare you to click it, hmm.”

They were immediately assaulted by a bright yellow page covered in rainbow font that was, frankly, too big and garish to be legal. The background was plastered with tiny Akatsuki flags, and the first line read as follows:

> _ hai gais!!! welcum to my first quiz!!!! :D :D _

Kisame looked a shade greener than usual. He continued scrolling.

> _ i made this lil quiz cus the akatsuki is AWESOMEEEE *_* this is for ppl who want 2 find out who their akatsuki boyfrend wuld be!!! i hope u enjoy it!!!!!! pls leave a comment or a like after u finish :) :) _

“We have to take the quiz, hmm,” Deidara whispered in mingled fascination and disgust. “We _ have _ to.”

Kisame’s hand clenched on the mouse so hard that the plastic cracked. He clicked _ >start< _.

> _ 1\. Wat is ur favorite evul laugh???? :0 _
> 
> _ a.) kukuku *stabs you* (me: o_O) _
> 
> _ b.) AHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHA!!! *wheeze* HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! (me: wut) _
> 
> _ c.) Muahahaha… (me: meh -_-) _
> 
> _ d.) hehehehe!!!! *is hyper* (me: shiny *0*) _

Deidara gave a low whistle. “Is it all like this?”

> _ 2\. Yosh! Now how would you describe your fashion sense! _
> 
> _ a.) scene XD _
> 
> _ b.) PUNK!!!!! (^Ｏ^) (me: ooooh 0_0) _
> 
> _ c.) ………..emo……..-_- _
> 
> _ d.) preppy :D (me: wut are u doin on an akatsuki quiz….) _

They looked at each other. “Wow,” said Kisame. “This sharinganluvr94 or whoever has really done their research.”

Deidara frowned. “How _ would _ you describe your fashion sense, hmm?” he said. 

Instead of answering, Kisame simply clicked to the next question.

“Can you honestly believe someone would just…make up shit like this, hmm?” Deidara said twenty minutes alter, removing the gum from behind his ear and beginning to chew on it again. “It’s as if they _ know _ us. Or—or they know some extremely fucked up and bastardized version of us.”

“Hidan is already fucked up and bastardized, though,” Kisame said. “And this sharinganluvr94 at least knows _ of _ us. This thing is actually pretty accurate, all things considered.” 

“Oh?” Deidara said, leaning over the desk again. “Who did you get?”

Kisame looked sad. “I got myself,” he said.

Deidara winced. “I feel that this sharinganluvr94 person is quite evil, hmm.”

Kisame pushed the rolling chair back, causing Deidara to leap backwards out of the way. “You take it,” he said. “You try this…this _ abomination.” _

Deidara climbed into the chair eagerly, a manic glint in his eye. “Oh,” he said, “I _ will.” _

* * *

(“What the_ fuck!” _ Deidara cried out fifteen minutes later, standing up so abruptly that he knocked Pain’s desk chair onto the ground. 

“What?” Kisame said, running back over. “What is it?”

Deidara gesticulated wildly at the screen for several seconds, all three of his visible mouths flapping open and shut in dismay. He seemed flabbergasted beyond the scope of human language. “I got _ Itachi, _ hmm!”

Several hundred miles away, in a quiet teahouse on the outskirts of Suna, Itachi Uchiha gave a tremendous sneeze.)

* * *

Nagato had slept for most of the morning, and nearly all of the afternoon. He could feel a migraine coming on. Could corpses even _ get _migraines? He supposed the large rods sticking through Deva Path’s skull weren’t really helping matters on that front. 

He had nearly depleted the mound of tissues on the nightstand, which Konan had helpfully summoned for him that morning. He would sooner wipe his nose on his sleeve than ask Kisame or Deidara or—god forbid, Hidan—to run out and fetch him some more. Evil lairs just didn’t come fully stocked with the same caliber of essential materials as they did in the old days.

Nagato pinched the bridge of Deva Path’s nose, then wiggled the topmost piercing around a bit. It didn’t help much, but it at least gave him something to do.

Presently, Tobi materialized behind him, practically vibrating with excitement.

“I think they liked my quiz!” he said animatedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Nagato reached for another tissue, extremely not-in-the-mood for Tobi’s antics. “Who?”

“Deidara and Kisame!” His voice suddenly turned deep and serious. “I’ve been watching them all morning. You need to discipline your members more, Nagato. Our productivity is going down again. This is a critical time in our organization’s history. Do not fail me now, of all times.”

He switched back to the Tobi voice with jarring swiftness.

“And that’s not all. Lots of other people like it too!!” he said, performing a little pirouette to demonstrate his enthusiasm. “It has almost a hundred thousand hits on Quizilla now!”

Nagato sighed a deep, regretful sigh. Thunder rolled outside. He thought back to Yahiko’s final words, to the camaraderie they had all shared back in the early days of the organization. It all seemed so far away now, he thought. It was too late in the game to quit his job at this point, wasn’t it. “Well, we have to advertise our notoriety somehow,” he said in defeat, and blew Deva Path’s nose with a bassoon-like _ toot. _


End file.
